I took a stab at writing an article about brokenness, and why its good for Christians. Now that I’ve watched a Charles Stanley video on brokenness, I’d summarize breaking us like this: God gets us back in line so that he can use us – and it hurts whether emotionally, physically, or both. The story below will detail as much as I can without exposing too much about my wife’s details, how it went down for me, and then the poem I wrote my wife that she felt I should share – here.
I stopped being an ‘active Christian’ about 15 years ago. On many days I would read the verse of the day, I often prayed about 5 minutes at the end of the night. As you can see, these are only shadows of what they should be-and I know better! Recently the Lord, through my wife’s talking about some sort of separation brought several things to my mind that I always though were under control. MEN, LISTEN: care for your wives and don’t make these mistakes. Here are the things that I felt were under control, that she said this past November, within weeks of our 38th Anniversary, were causing her to think of leaving.
- VIDEO GAMING: for years, on and off, often very heavily. I had a YouTube channel where I posted video game footage. I never knew that many nights she cried herself to sleep telling herself that, “Tonight, maybe he’ll stop playing, spend time with me, and we’ll go to sleep”
- PORNOGRAPHY: After I was saved, this was not a regular thing. The Lord gave me victory over it for a time, and then it came back and although it wasn’t habitual, neither was it gone and under control.
- ANGER: I did mention we’ve been married for 38 years, right? We started dating 40 years ago on September 8, 1985. From my point of view, minimizing what was happening (because I felt like “I’m a good person” right?) I figured we argued and both said things we regretted.
There was a night after our 38 Wedding Anniversary as I mentioned that she basically said, “I don’t think I can stay in this marriage.” In her mind, this was totally justified, and an experience for her for about 4 or 5 years. I didn’t know, because, like I said, I thought I was “a good person,” and I felt like we both said mean things when we argued, and these wonderful compliments she gave me and other things made me feel like our marriage was fine.
I’m not a good writer, so don’t read what I’ve written here as me making excuses. Its my prayerful hope that someone might read this, take a close look at their life, and maybe avoid the painful trial the Lord has put on my life right now (about 4 weeks so far).
This poem (I’m not a poet, so I use the term loosely) imagines me working through my thoughts as Satan tries not once, but twice to convince me it’s too late to make up, and then the Lord comes along and rights everything. This poem is by no means a physical Job-style visitation I’m writing about, and unfortunately the ending, although it may sound as if the marriage has been save, is an unknown. What is worked out by the end, is that the Lord will have a saint he can use when I’ve been brought close enough to Him.
UNTITLED POEM
He thundered an answer, you did wrong and there is no hope,
Your actions cannot be forgiven, the thunderclaps spoke.
Are you such a fool, you cannot see the end is near?
Thundering powerfully, his exhortations in my ear.
You can beg and plead, it is no use,
You are too late – accept the noose.
Then a gentle voice spoke, casting light and stopping the thunderous noise.
He took over, I felt an air of authority, calm and joy.
Do not the pretender lend your ear,
He is a liar, and cannot come near.
You know the truth, you have been taught,
I am hear, and his essence is but naught.
Now I will speak to you, not in a flurry,
But I’m sad to say, you have cause for worry.
The liar lies, with small poison added to truth.
He will condemn, but cannot avoid some sooth.
Otherwise his lies lie bare, exposing all they say,
But as I said I’m sorry, for the true part he DID say.
You cannot undo the words and times that you have driven,
I’m sorry my child, they cannot be forgiven.
But I recognized the pair – the true and the lie,
To Satan’s words I will not give ear, nor eye.
He comes with contempt, and he comes pretending light.
His true form is always seen, because he sows in the dark of night.
But He can see the hurts and loves, deep inside my heart,
And though they are there, His love wins & does not depart.
He loved me then, He loves me now,
And though He does not speak aloud, my soul will bow.
He is master, a mother of His brood,
He does not hinder, and He is not rude.
His words have taught me, I’m never beyond repair,
His signs are on mountains, rivers, and running through the air.
Although none are without excuse, He’s asked me in,
I accepted His love, and brought my imperfection, and sin.
He does forgive, He will repair, I feel His thought in this is…
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
– Romans 5:3-4
So I have my Lord and His hope, so all is not lost.